How to Tactfully Disagree with Someone

How to Tactfully Disagree with Someone


Let's say you’re talking to a colleague or friend. She says something you disagree with. Sometimes, if the situation is casual and the subject is trivial, disagreeing isn’t an issue. It can be done casually and all is well. But what if it’s important, and what if the person could take offense? This can be tricky, and takes some tact.

First, you have to decide if the subject is worth disagreeing about. What if you just kept quiet? What would be the consequences of your silence? What would be the consequences of disagreeing? Sometimes it’s really not worth it. Just let it go.

But if you’ve decided you should say something, there are a few techniques I can share. Most important, though, regardless of the technique, is tone of voice. You must take extra care to keep all sarcasm, anger, or frustration out of your tone. That’s really hard sometimes. But having a good frame of mind can help.

How You Should Think About the Other Person

I’ve written about this many times, for instance, in How to Be More Diplomatic, How to Handle Criticism, and How to Have a Difficult Conversation. In order to have a good frame of mind and control your tone of voice, foster a sense of sincere curiosity, trying to see things from the perspective of the other person. Think positive thoughts about your conversation partner, assuming they have the best intentions. Or sometimes if a person uses a rude tone, I try to think, “Maybe she has a headache,” or “Perhaps he’s having a bad day.” This helps me quickly cool down. With these sincere and positive thoughts, you can now disagree with a respectful and sincere tone of voice. But you still have to be very careful with your word choice.

Disagree Generally or Indirectly

You can try some indirect or general phrases. These encourage the person to think through or at least explain his or her position more fully. Then you can have a broader and hopefully productive conversation. Try phrases like, "Interesting. Really?" “Are you sure that’s possible?” or “Really? I wonder if it works like that.”

You can phrase the disagreement indirectly. My dad used to tell me, “Just because it’s black doesn't mean you need to say that. You can always just say, ‘It’s not white!’” So you can try, “I’m not sure that’s a good idea,” (not “It’s a horrible idea!”) or “I’m not sure I can agree” (NOT “I totally disagree with you!”) or how about the words that I learned from my father, "I find it hard to believe that."